Enough! There are enough different brands of vodka. We don’t need any more variety thank you very much. All vodka entrepreneurs please turn around and walk right back to the drawing board because it is time to start over. No new vodka brand is going to make any money.
It seems like every time I walk into the bar there’s a new vodka on the market selling itself as the most “upscale, premium blah blah, in the blah.” Listening to the liquor reps trying to sell it to you is painful.
- “This one’s distilled eight times.” so?
- “It’s unique because it’s French and made from grapes.” That doesn’t sound like vodka but what do I know.
- “This is Irish vodka. It’ll sell because it’s made from potatoes.” Irish+Potato= $$$? I don’t think so but one day we might look back and laugh.
- “This one is special because it’s a soy vodka. Very healthy.” You need to leave. Now.
I’ve seen so many marketing tricks and angles over the years and none of them work. Funky bottles, elegant names, catchy drink recipes… all resulting in a bunch of unsold vodka with uppity presentation sitting in the basement because nobody wants it. The reason is simple. Vodka is vodka. The garbage in the well is pretty much the same stuff as the garbage in the Grey Goose bottle. (In many clubs it’s the exact same stuff if you catch my drift)
I did a blind vodka tasting with a group of bartenders not too long ago and the results were surprising. (this was before the article in the Times) Fleischmans vodka was my favorite. If you’ve never heard of it before that’s because Fleischman’s is one of the cheapest vodkas around. Orange juice costs more. Bars carry Fleischmans to use in the well and in most bars that also means that it’s the spirit we pour more than any other. I wasn’t alone in putting Fleischmans ahead of Grey Goose, Absolute, Stoli, and Sky. Our well-$5-a-bottle vodka got more votes than any of the others which sell for much more than $5 an ounce.
My point here is that vodka is cheap to produce. You might as well pay less for it. All this “Premium Distillation” stuff is nothing more than marketing.
Vodka is the #1 selling spirit in the US by far and since it’s cheap to make I can see how people would view this as a gold mine. It may very well have been that way not too long ago but these days the market is way too saturated for a newcomer to come in and take a chunk of the profit.
If you’re looking to make some booze and a buck at the same time I have a suggestion. Thanks to the popularity of Apple Martinis (yuck!) bar owners have seen the wisdom in Apple Schnapps. I think Peach Schnapps could easily become a big money maker. Seriously.
People love peach schnapps. One of the easiest ways to make a sweet delicious drink is to add peach schnapps. Bartenders use it all the time when a customers ask for “something my girlfriend would like.” Ask your local barkeep yourself if you don’t believe me. Now, if you made a higher proof peach schnapps and put a little craftsmanship into it I’m positive people would be shooting it left and right. They already do in Austria, Switzerland, Germany- basically all places Swiss Alp. The mixological options are endless as well. You’d be getting the 5th Avenue Crowd and the College Crowd at the same time which means $$$$$$.
Trust me Mr. Vodka salesman, this bar doesn’t have room for any more vodka brands. Vodka already hogs most of the shelves behind me. I don’t care if it’s Kosher… I don’t care if it’s from Connecticut but looks like it’s from Russia (that would be Smirnoff)… I don’t care if it’s got guarana in it and will make me bounce of the walls all night long. People won’t buy it. Plain and simple. Bars are a business. Come back with something that will generate some new business.
Can I copyright a high-end Peach Schnapps? I’m going to buy www.itsjustpeachy.com right now.
Categories: Nightlife · Uncategorized
Tagged: Bar business, Business, Liquor, Peach Schnapps, Premium vodka, Spirits, Vodka
When the word hangover comes up in conversation most people conjure up thoughts of headaches and maybe some nausea. There are other symptoms and it’s time we bring them to light…
If one were to wiki the word hangover (and i did) one would see this… “symptoms that may include dehydration, fatigue, headache, nausea, vomiting, diarrhea, weakness, elevated body temperature, hypersalivation, difficulty concentrating, anxiety, irritability, sensitivity to light and noise, erratic motor functions, and trouble sleeping.” Notice please- headaches and nausea are barely the tip of the iceberg and for some stupid reason the randomness of St. Patrick’s day always gives me the full train wreck of “oh my god, why do I feel like such a loser?why can’t I sleep?(yet why can’t I get out of bed?) why are my hands shaking and palms sweaty and holy Sh@$! It’s been almost a week and if I sniff Guinness I’m going to run as fast as i can to the nearest sink and splash cold water on my face cause if I don’t i might just jump out the window. What do you mean we’re on the first floor? So? I’ll jump out that window anyways… maybe the glass will cut me and put me out of this unending misery. You know what? screw you pal! I’m going to kick your ass as soon as I stop shaking you jerk off. Why aren’t you hung over like this you douche? Probably cause you didn’t do St. Patty’s day right, so don’t judge me you squeeky clean loser. I’M NOT IRISH EITHER!”
This brings up two other symptoms not in any dictionary be it web-based or web-ster. Theres the Hangover Demons, the voices in my head that argue incessantly (see above) - There’s also the stupid songs that just repeat over and over in my noggin at really high decibel levels. It’s never anything in good taste. This week I’ve been walking around with one of those freecreditreport.com jingles playing under everything I do. You know the ones where the guy is working at the Fish and Chips restaurant? yikes
As a night behind the bar looms I can’t help but feel like some higher power is having a laugh at my expense. I’m still twitchy, sweaty, and not sure I can handle the tequila I usually medicate myself with on Friday nights. (Jaeger then? maybe- No beer, never beer again) What more just punishment for a person who drank enough to kill a small horse than to make them smell liquor for eight hours straight? By the end of tonight I’ll be wearing that smell. It’ll be in my pores, my hair. I might as well be swimming in it. The thought of it makes me want to try and get my shift covered but then there’s that whole “rent” thing hanging over my head.
Dante wrote about the different levels of hell. I believe that my St. Patty’s behavior puts me smack into the “Glutton” category and according to our man that means that I would be stuck in the Third Circle doomed to eat my own feces for all eternity. Is this a coincidence? I feel kinda like I’m about to spend my weekend doing just that. I challenge anyone who doubts the torturous nature of bartending with a Third Circle Hangover to go out tonight and drink extremely irresponsibly. Need a suggestion on how to accomplish this? No prob
- Lets start with 8 well tequila sunrises- the sugar in the grenadine should do the trick.
- Around number 5 or 6 start sprinkling in a few shots of Southern Comfort.
- Towards the end of the night I recommend drinking a few beers to slow down your consumption. For this I would prescribe Miller High Life. (it champagne after all)
When you wake up tomorrow and feel like a gorilla pooped in your mouth, you’ll know you’re on the right track. After the vomiting and headaches begin to subside and the “I’m a bigger loser than Tanya Harding” depression kicks in, go grab yourself a brandy snifter. (or a thermos, it doesn’t matter) Pour some Hennessy in that sucker and just take a big whiff. Just imagine what it would take to make you drink that stuff. Now dump it on your head and go talk to two hundred strangers.
Hell on Earth? Possibly. Probably.
I’m off to work.
Categories: Uncategorized
Tagged: Bar, Hangover, St. Patrick's Day, Vodka, rum, Tequila, Triple Sec, Hell, Dante, Inferno, nausea
